Punch Up: “To Me My ❌-Men”
Chapter Four:
May, 1982 The Uncanny X-Men No. 160 by Anderson, Claremont, Wiacek, G. Wein, Orzechowski, + Louise
August, October, and November, 1983 Magik by J. Buscema, Frenz, S. Buscema, Blevins, Palmer, G. Wein, Feduniewicz, Orzechowski + Louise
Mixtape track: More Than This by Roxy Music; Queen of the Reich by Queensrÿche; Silver Rainbow by Genesis; This is the Day by The The; Curse of the Pharaohs by Mercyful Fate
Chapter 4 of “to me my ❌-Men,” where things get real for Illyana and Fozzy Bear; where she grows ups and becomes problematic.
Previously on “to me my ❌-Men”: Chrismukkah, Monsters, a Teenager, oh my! Pirates, Popshow, Stranger Danger, mallrat vibes. Zany, ninjas, guns, hard boiled pulp fiction! We begin appropriately in comics tradition, “Somewhere/Somewhen else:”
Fastball special. Take a drink.
Illyana, at the age we last left her, age six, holding her Fozzy Bear! While the X-Men are Dangerooming and someone with amazing nails is observing from beyond.
And she is just following the nailed hand’s voice. GREEEEEEAT.
Kitty’s got this.
Nope.
We are getting an update in Storm’s mind, something about her and Dracula and Chuck is in another coma. Yadda yadda. The adults are not on top of caring for the 6 year old and trusted the 13 year old. Wolverine even noticed the events and just barely recalled them when asked.
Now all the adults have been disappeared too!
“Elsewhere…”
Kurt is getting handsy with Kitty. So no Kurt. Belasco is the one with nails, and has disappeared everyone to his thrown, castle?! Ororo and Peter are using the buddy system, which fails, cause tentacles and another teleportation disk, like the ones that moved them all from the school.
Kitty is frozen and now Not Kurt has hand near Illyana, but Belasco has standards?!
Ah they are in Limbo. Love that place.
Apparently this is Logan’s bones on the ground. They brake easy. As S’ym enters. So yes, S’ym and Not Logan’s bones.
Belasco says he loves Illyana and gives her an inverted Pentagram locket.
Kurt is hiding in the dark, observing…as he should.
Ororo awakes naked (take a drink) and goes for a swim.
Not Kurt and Kurt fight.
Wolverine finds Not Peter corpse? Wolverine v S’ym.
Now actual Peter is helping.
A cloaked figure is recognized by Logan through sent. Oh it’s an older Not Ororo.
Who saves the day.
But at the last second Belasco gets Ilyana…and then in the next page Kitty and friends retrieve her from a teleportation disk…only now she is 13, like Kitty. Illyana has the pentagram pendant and Belasco has Fozzy Bear. The End…of the chapter.
So now we have a bit of magic and some complex aging to unpack.
Previously in “to me my ❌-Men,” Illyana is aged from 6 to 13, setting up the more than best friends relationship between her and Kitty, that seems solid.
We begin with a reflective Illyana, narrating, how her brother’s own plucking from Siberia, lead to her to this hillside overlooking Salem Center, NY’s School for Gifted Youngsters. She is noting this is her birthday and she is turning 14, only if the two Rasputin kids had not been plucked by Chuck, she would still be turning 8 only this day. I guess she was 7 back in 160. She spent half her time on Earth and the other half as a consort to a literal devil in literal Hell.
She is unsure in her role going forward. Is it to be Earth’s saviour or “means to eternal damnation.”
Ororo chased after her when she was 6 or 7 into Hell, confronting Belasco. Apparently he had attempted something similar to Kitty.
Belasco uses as spell to age Illyana.
He then vanquishes Ororo.
A throwing star grazes Belasco’s face, it’s THE CAT!
Presumably not Tigra.
Belasco vanishes away.
Ororo is older, but alive. Cat is literally Kitty. She is in a highly seductive costume. This comic is beyond my ability and agency to unpack, but ai suspect some academic papers have been written about this, it’s place in queer culture, and the impact it represents for the fictional relationship and for the women who read this. From a self aware male perspective, it’s both icky and hot. Hella problematic. I have been a kid reading this and I am now the parent of a grown daughter. For me it is complex. For someone else I can see it being a whole thing. We will be ok.
Illyana is kinda a badass already, with her horse.
Ororo has horns.
Oh, Belasco turned Kitty into a cat women.
These Ororo and Illyana strolling in the magic woods pages are well done…honestly this comic is well done.
Cat is offering Illyana another path home. All these adults are messing with this kid.
The adventuring in Hell continues for Cat and Illyana, Ororo left behind.
Illyana finds her brothers corpse hanging. S’ym is there. S’ym will be central in our third act of this epic ❌-Men story.
Cat can phase and has the drop on S’ym just in time.
Cat is not very sensitive to the reality that Illyana is 8 and processing things like just finding her dead brothers skeleton. To Cat it’s old news.
Cat makes a distinction between her and Kitty, as she has been transformed.
They are sparing, a little banter.
Ororo’s astral projection appears, not very helpful.
They arrive at Belasco’s place.
A Kurt shows. He fights Illyana.
Cat kills him.
Belasco has them and gets Illyana to do a blood pledge with an amulet. Cat is just acting like his pet cat. Ororo can see through a crystal ball and is pissed.
Illyana can cast spells now. Make an acorn. She and Ororo who has appeared are taking.
It’s not going great.
Ororo v Belasco. He has home court advantage.
Illyana escapes S’ym. Attacks Cat who is attacking Ororo.
Illyana kills her best friend.
Belasco villainous soliloquy.
Illyana uses her mutant teleportation power and saves her and Ororo for now.
She is haunted by zombified family. Belasco has her and teachers her a lesson.
In the banished cold, Illyana makes an acorn. Eventually she creates a sword.
She returned to vanquish her captors. Has horns and tail.
She is able to teleport back to the moment she left.
Older now.
It’s snowing. The end.
Next: Uncanny X-Men No. 168-170